Week 598: Site Gags


Name for a cafeteria at a law firm: The Chum Bucket

Name for a cafeteria at the White House: The Undisclosed Location

Name for a cafeteria at The Washington Post: The Meaty Dish

This week's contest comes from Marc Leibert of New York, who sent it to the Empress when his law firm was changing buildings and setting up a new cafeteria. Your challenge: Come up with an appropriate name for a cafeteria -- or a meeting room, or an employee lounge, or some other workplace spot -- for a particular institution, as in the examples above.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets a fabulous genuine 1926 copy of the book "Constipation," by the flamboyant health nut Bernarr Macfadden, who is pictured topless at age 56, and we can tell you that he is one very buff and no doubt unconstipated 56- year-old. This book was donated to The Style Invitational by Fred Dawson of Beltsville.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e- mail to losers@washpost.com or, if you really have to, by fax to 202- 334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 28. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published March 20. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of North Adams, Mass.

Report From Week 594, in which we asked for appropriate (or inappropriate) corporate sponsorships of historical events or of people's life stories:

Submitted proudly by dozens of Losers were such pairings as the O.J. Simpson Case by Isotoner; the French Revolution by Duncan Hines; the building of the Pyramids by Amway; the Eruption of Pompeii by Shake 'n Bake; and, from a remarkable number of really shameful, shameless people, the Tsunami by Ocean Spray ("Catch the Wave").

The Empress almost gave ink to such biography sponsors as Cap'n Crunch for "The Joseph Hazelwood Story" and the Gap for "The Life of Rose Mary Woods," but was informed at the last minute by goody- goody Mark Eckenwiler of Washington that we had run a similar contest 11 years ago on Week 52 (the results of which he supplied). Those entries were rewarded back then. Thank you, Mark. Hope nobody shoves you against your locker.

If you don't know what historical events some of the winners refer to, well, go look them up. After all, the raison d'etre of The Style Invitational is edification, don't you know.

{diam}Third runner-up: The Randy Moss Incident, brought to you by Bear Stearns.

(Mike Cisneros, Centreville)

{diam}Second runner-up: The Evander Holyfield Story, brought to you by Tyson Chicken Bites. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)

{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the 1959 white wine with the broken cork:

The Alfred Packer Expedition, brought to you by Manwich.

(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

{diam}And the winner of the Inker: The French Revolution, brought to you by Pez.

(Jennifer LaFleur and Jim Getz, Dallas)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

The Marion Barry Story, brought to you by 9Lives. (Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

The Strom Thurmond Story, brought to you by Pop-Secret. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa; Chris Doyle, Turangi, New Zealand)

The Rowan and Martin Story, brought to you by BP. (Marty McCullen)

The Bill Clinton Depositions, brought to you by Depends. (Brent McBurney, Alexandria; Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Gloria Steinem's Wedding, sponsored by Mrs. Paul's and Schwinn. (Jeff Boulier, Fairfax; Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

The Bush-Gore Election Snafu, brought to you by Lever 2000. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

The Success of Jeb Bush, brought to you by Hasbro. (Mike Cisneros; Kyle Hendrickson, Kissimmee, Fla.)

The Life of Captain Kidd, brought to you by IHOP. (Mike Cisneros)

The Secret of Typhoid Mary, brought to you by Carrier. (Chris Doyle)

The Life of Dracula, brought to you by Sprite: "Image is nothing. Thirst is everything." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

The 1814 sacking and torching of Washington, brought to you by the Dallas Cowboys. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

In Search of the Garden of Eden, brought to you by Microsoft. "See what misery befalls humankind when it fools around with an Apple." (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

The Alfred Dreyfus affair, brought to you by Jacuzzi. (Chris Doyle)

The Voyage of Admiral Zheng, brought to you by Unix. (Sean Bezdicek, Minneapolis)

The Rodney King incident, brought to you by Blockbuster Video. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

The Glory of Hank Aaron's 715th Home Run, brought to you by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. (Ron Jackson, Chevy Chase)

Navigating the Erie Canal, by the American College of Obstetricians & Gynecologists. (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

The Tragic Death of Marilyn Monroe, brought to you by Pillsbury. (Bob Dalton)

The Alamo, brought to you by Texas Toast. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

The Desertion of Charles Robert Jenkins, brought to you by Pepsodent: "You'll wonder where the yellow went!" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

The Birth of Jesus, brought to you by Miracle-Gro. (Teri Chism, Winchester; Ned Bent, Oak Hill)

Tales From the Raj, brought to you by White Rain. (Erich Snoke, Stafford)

The Paul Reubens Story, brought to you by PalmOne. (Brent McBurney)

The Siege of Troy, brought to you by

Durex: Outlasting Trojans day and night. (Greg Gorman, Takoma Park)

Up Close and Personal with Tomas de Torquemada, brought to you by Tie Rack. (Mark Eckenwiler)

The Louisiana Purchase, brought to you by Best Buy.

(Mike Bezdicek, Pasadena, Calif.)

The evolution of human intelligence, brought to you by Nunn Bush.

(Chris Doyle)

The McCarthy Era, sponsored by Red Bull. (Mike Elliott, Oak Park, Ill.;

Brendan Beary)

The Discovery of Penicillin, brought to you by the Clapper.

(Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

The Ted Williams Story, brought to you by Prestone. (Mike Donovan, Hudson, Ohio)

The story of Catherine the Great, brought to you by Barnes & Noble.

(Mike Elliott)

The Life of Vlad Tepes of Romania, brought to you by Impala. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

The Divorce of Brad and Jennifer, brought to you by Liberty Mutual.

(Elden Carnahan)

The 2004 Presidential Election, brought to you by Country Crock. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

The Linda Lovelace Story, brought to you by the Pure Protein energy bar.

(Paul Kocak)

The Career of Charo, brought to you by Wrigley.

(Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)

The Life and Times of Cher, brought to you by the makers of Mr. Potato Head. (Eric Murphy, Chicago)

Queen Elizabeth's 53rd year as queen in 2005, brought to you by StarKist Tuna: "Sorry, Charlie!"

(Jane Auerbach)

The Iraq Wars, AIDS, the Exxon Valdez, the Extinction of the Dinosaurs, and Game 6 of the 1986 World Series, all sponsored by Halliburton.

(J.F. Kerry, Boston; Darren Timothy, Bristow, Va.)
 

Next Week: Listing Precariously, or Hyphonation